Its a cloudy day with barely any sunshine peaking through thick storm clouds. Adam commenting on his every move playing minecraft, a game which requires one to be able to read. He's only 5 years old and enjoys the sound effects of his voice for what he believes he's creating on the screen. Meanwhile his sister Jenna, 4 years old making a mess out of what sounds like utensils. I stand here listening to there innocent chatter back and forth and wonder about what the future holds.
I'm 37, single never been married with 2 kids and no foundation. No stability and no firm hold on life with raising 2 kids. With little guidance and a grip of people just trying to take advantage of my situation. I have few to no real friends looking out to help me help myself and eventually build a rock solid platform.
It all started back in September 1997, when my four brothers and mother realized my father was someplace other than with us. We needed some form of household management. My mother started a job with education in Kuwait and that's when I was presented with a one way ticket to America. My place of birth and my life long goal had finally presented itself in the worst possible scenario. But despite all of my prayers for this very moment of departing from a family that tried hard to keep me from feeling empowered I was very doubtful of my own strength and hardly could believe I was really about to set sail and alone!
A few of my friends who had already graduated from UCSD were all gathered to see me off offering what would be all i had in my pocket. And wouldn't last far enough to be able to land a place to call home. And from this point in my looking back at the 18 years I've lived here in California, I haven't ever had the mental or visual clarity to see my self ever landing somewhere forever, I'm not sure what I missed growing up, but I have learned my body is my vessel, and I roam this temporary plane of existence in this physical realm. I know the energy that exists is eternal, and everything else will perish.
I have kept the memories that really stand out and all the negative has only helped me persevere.
I wasn't aware of the responsibility that came along with living in a real world like in the US.
I was pretty much raised in a sheltered world of ignorance with a class system. The general household in every home was outnumbered by the servants working for 2 year contracts. Basically, modern day slavery. I never washed a dish nor do a load of laundry myself. Someone was right there doing it for me complaining that they didn't want to lose their jobs by my doing things for myself.
I landed in San Francisco, California. Beautiful to fly into this city and see the beauty with mountains wrapping around the bodies of water interweaving to perfection by our creator. The artistic talent and expression our creator uses in landscape art is of the highest most exhilarating and breathe taking kinds, one can only stare in complete bewilderment. I dreamt of retiring as an artist. But how was I to know that the system is rigged. People go to school graduate with honors, masters, and become settled in a career for 20 to 30 plus years only to get taxed twice out of what they have built over all those years? For me, this kills any ambition or motivation to capture a glimpse of a worthy career to get lost in. Myers Briggs standardized tests gave me a subtle hint. My personality type is only 2% of the population. That crosses out a lot of misconceptions about me and what I'm after. People think I'm all about money. Life is much simpler without it and less people expect you to hand it to them. Even fewer people look for you when your known to be poor. It actually eliminates all the bullshit that comes because of it. Money, that dirty root that until this day I'm still confused about why the word God is on it. When church and state are separate? Why is it on the physical currency?
People treat it as if it was the to only reason they'd even consider helping you out only if it's a substantial monetary gain. Not even because it would be the righteous thing to do, or how about just to be nice? No one is thinking beyond the money aspect of why they do anything at all. That's sad my friends, very truly sad.
What's so bizarre is when you've been tainted with the idea of marriage and avoided it for as long as possible, only to find yourself in love with a much more mature man. Although this maturity isn't one of natural evolution. It's subject to change with no prior notice or forworning. How can he turn his cheek as easily as he blinks his eyes ? I'm lost for words with whom I thought was my love. I've gone above and beyond all expectations especially my own, and I have set aside everything worthy of noting to not have this man as "the one" unfortunately , or fortunately which ever way you feel it should be looked at. I completely selflessly loved this man to the point of no return.
